Parenting When the World Feels Heavy

When The World Feels Heavy - Strategies to Show Up For Yourself and Your Kids 

Parenting is never easy—it requires patience, resilience, and constant growth. But when the weight of the world feels especially heavy, it can seem almost impossible to show up as the parents we aspire to be. During tough times, we may struggle to maintain our usual sense of balance, and the stress we carry can begin to affect not just ourselves but our children as well, potentially creating a cycle of stress that’s hard to break.

My husband and I have faced many of these challenges over the past year. Given the uncertainty of recent times, I know we’re not alone in feeling this way. With that in mind, I wanted to share a few strategies that have helped us navigate these high-stress periods, and that may offer some support to you and your family as well.

1. Give yourself grace

None of this will be perfect and that's okay. You don't need to be perfect as a parent. You just need to master the art of repair with your children. Let them see you as the beautifully imperfect human you are with a full range of emotions. You don't need to dump your emotions on them (and you shouldn't!) but it's okay to be real with them. It's a great way to model emotions and how to handle them. These are life long skills that will serve them well. 

HOT TIP: Unsure of emotional regulation yourself? That's okay. You don't need to be a pro at this. Just simply state what you are experiencing and what you'll do to help yourself. "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now and my body feels hot. I'm going to take a few deep breathes so I can feel calmer in my body before I play". 

2. Address it head on

You don't need to pretend that nothing is going on. Children are smart and in tune with their parents emotions. It's a survival mechanism for children to pick up on the non verbal cues of their caregivers so that they can determine safety. No matter how calm and collected you are on the outside, if your inside isn't matching your children will pick up on it. The best thing to do is to address it so that they don't have worries about why they are sensing this mismatch from you. 

Find an age appropriate way to let them know you are dealing with something and make sure they know it has nothing to do with them so that they do not worry or misattribute it. Children are ego driven and will make everything about them. Children are also always looking for patterns and meaning. If you don't connect the dots for them, they may connect them in a way that could cause harm. There is no age minimum to this. You can, and should, do this with a child of any age, including infants. They will sense the tone, even before they understand your words.

Example:
"Sometimes, there are things happening in the world that make me feel a little sad or worried. It's okay to feel that way sometimes, but I want you to know that you are safe and loved, and I’m here with you."

3. Co Regulate 

Here's a really beautiful thing about parenthood, we have the ability to influence how our children feel through co regulation. Just by being a calm presence, we can help them feel calm. Now this is really hard to do during difficult times, which is why you're reading this email. But did you know just as we can co regulate with our kids, they can also help to co regulate us?! 

People talk a lot about how much kids can trigger you but the opposite is true as well, they can also calm you. A parent and a child are a dyad and that's a powerful thing. 

So snuggle your child and hold them close. Breathe in their scent. Cuddle on the couch under a cozy blanket. Dance together. Make silly faces together.

It will bring both of your bodies to a calmer state. 

4. Keep your child's stress levels low

Even if the overall vibe of the household is stressful, you can still keep your child's stress levels lower. And it doesn't have to come at a cost to you or increase your feelings of burnout. Kids love familiarity and routine. So build that in where possible.

• Serve their favorite foods

• Read their favorite books over and over

• Create a simple routine for the day or a routine for the week. This will lower your mental load and give your child a chance to know what to expect

• Cancel plans and move slower 

5. Extend a little extra grace and patience to your kids
Have you ever noticed when you're feeling at your worst your kids seem to be too? That's because they are sensing your stress levels. That uptick in "negative behaviors" you are seeing are really bids for connection or reassurance.

Kids don't usually have the language to say "you seem stressed and that's worrying me", "you've been disconnected and I need you", etc. Instead they communicate that through extra boundary pushing or extra meltdowns. This is true of both toddlers and teenagers to varying degrees.

Show a little grace to what you're seeing and try to look at your child's behavior through a lens of empathy and compassion. Reframe a tantrum in your mind to "I need to know I'm safe and loved". When viewed this way, it will be easier to connect and co regulate with your child.

6. Care for yourself
Recognize that your cup is emptier than usual, your baseline is going to be more reactive than usual, and just overall you cannot expect yourself to be able to handle what you usually can. Be realistic about what you can handle right now and honor that. This is not the time to try to achieve great things, this is a time to just keep things afloat and that's ok. 

Try to get breaks for yourself where you can. Surround yourself with things that make you feel comforted. Lower whatever stressors you can in your life.

In some situations it can be near impossible to find time for yourself or get yourself the level of care you need, but small things really add up. It can be as simple as making sure you are wearing comfortable clothing, you have a drink that feels warm and cozy, etc.

Change up parenting moments that are typically triggering to you. Such as listening to a podcast while laying next to your child at bedtime and moving dinner to a picnic outside or in the living room. Turn teeth brushing into a fun game.

Elevate whatever small details you can and reduce whatever small bits of stressors or overwhelm that you can. Your stress cup is already overflowing easily, no need to contribute to it with things that can be avoided.

7. Have an outlet
When you are dealing with stress and trying to parent, it's essential to have an outlet. This will allow you to continue showing up as best as possible for your children and limit unleashing reactivity onto them. 

Find times to let out your feelings. If you are feeling sad, make sure you have time and space to cry. If you are feeling angry, make sure you have time and space to yell. Make space for your emotions. Let it move through you and out of you. Do not hold it in. Find little windows. Like when you're in the car alone or when you're in the shower.

I am a big fan of rage journaling. Here's how it goes. You set a timer for 15 minutes and write nonstop without letting the pen come off the paper. No pauses to think, just keep continuously writing, even if you write "I don't know what to write, this is pointless". Just keep going. Say the worst possible things that you feel. Don't try to write nicely or censor yourself in any way, just let it all flow out in the worst possible way you can think to say it. No passive voice here. If you feel angry, let it out through your pen. Write BIG, stab at the paper, let the rage flow out. The paper can take it. Push yourself to go deeper. You may be surprised what comes out and how cathartic is feels after. When the timer goes off, do no re read what you wrote. Tear it up into tiny pieces and throw it away.

8. Set boundaries for yourself
Are you noticing anything that is increasing your stress levels? Perhaps being constantly tethered to the news or listening to the worries of your friend. You may not be able to completely eliminate these things from your life as they serve a purpose, but it is essential that you set boundaries.

Determine how much you can handle and the best times of day for you to handle it. For example, if starting your day with the news is setting you up for a downward spiral the whole day, don't check it then. If evening time is a big stressor for you and your friend needs to vent at that time, set up a different time to talk. If you just can't get off social media, set tech limits on your phone so you get logged out.

Figure out what you need and hold those boundaries for yourself like you would for your kids.

9. Figure out what will empower you 
For each one of us, there is an action we can take, even in times of extreme stress and difficulty, that will allow us to feel empowered. Feeling empowered will in turn lower our stress. Figure out what small action you can take that will not stress you out and will lift you up.

If you aren't sure where to start, try one of these:

• Make a worry list - pick one small step you can take to alleviate one of these worries

• Identify your values - pick one small action that is in alignment with your values (message me for a free values handout if you need help with this)

10. See what is real and true in front of you
During times of extreme stress and worry, it's easy to spiral out. Focus on what is real and true in front of you. Whatever you are worried about, ask yourself, is this real and true right now? Is it happening right now? 

Another way to bring yourself back to the present moment is to take a few minutes to notice 1 thing per sense: I see, I feel, I taste, I smell, I hear.

I hope at least a few of these tips feel doable and helpful to you.

Sending you so much love as you navigate what is currently on your mind. I'm right there with you going through the muck too. You do not need to move through these difficult times alone. I am here for you. Please reach out.

- Lena