Thanksgiving With Children

Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude, family, and connection- but let's face it, it can also bring its share of challenges as a parent. From making magical memories to managing meltdowns, it can be a little overwhelming handling it all. 

That's why I asked you to share your top Thanksgiving parenting questions. In this blog post, you'll find thoughtful solutions and ideas to make your holiday smoother and more joyful. We'll address dealing with picky eating, managing meltdowns, creating joyful traditions, and dealing with family judgement. Let's dive in! 

TODDLERS AND THANKSGIVING FOOD: 

"My 3 year old is just a typical toddler with the way he eats, but my family labels him as a picky eater. We are having Thanksgiving dinner at my grandmother's house this year and I'm nervous there won't be anything for him to eat. I'm considering bringing my own food for him but also don't want to deal with comments from my family. How would you handle this?"

Eating around holidays and other big events can be tough for kids. There's already a lot of unpredictability around the day and that can impact their appetites. In addition, there might be new foods that they aren't used to. In a setting with a lot of newness, they might not be up for any more novelty. 

As you chat about Thanksgiving, start talking about the food in a fun and low pressure way. Read books that feature different Thanksgiving foods and talk about what you're seeing in the pictures. Chat about the types of foods you look forward to eating on Thanksgiving and see if there's anything your toddler is looking forward to.

Pick a dish that you can cook together. It'll be a fun experience and help your toddler feel some control over the situation. At the dinner there will be at least one familiar food that he can proudly tell everyone he made himself! 
 

When it comes to toddlers and food in general, I often wonder if there's a missing ingredient that's not talked enough about: JOY.

We often focus so much on the nutrition they are ingesting and mealtime behaviors that we can lose sight of what a connective and joyful experience food can be. As parents we can get so short sighted, focusing on one particular meal, instead of looking at the big picture of the child's lifelong relationship with food. Too much pressure around food removes the joy for anyone. What if we started to focus more on joyful, low pressure exposure to food? Especially on holidays! 

Load your toddler up with a satisfying breakfast/lunch before you head out and focus on making the experience of Thanksgiving as enjoyable and low pressure as possible! 

(I'll address family judgment later on in the post)

MELTDOWNS & BOUNDARY PUSHING:

"We are traveling to visit my in law's for the week of Thanksgiving and I'm not looking forward to their judgment about our parenting or the blame they will put on me when it comes to the kids' behavior. My kids tend to act out more when we are with extended family or when we are traveling and I'm just dreading what their behavior will be like in front of everyone. Any tips?"

Something about kids that can be so incredibly hard for us parents is that they feed off of our energy. It is understandable that you feel stressed about your children's behavior in relation to challenging family dynamics. Kids feel that tension and tend to act on it. They sense there is something unsafe about this situation and they react trying to figure it out. We then feel more tense and anticipate struggles at the next event, just to create a perpetuating cycle. 

My advice would be to focus on the energy you are bringing to the situation. What is it about these situations that are bringing you tension? It goes deeper than just judgement- what is that judgment bringing up for you? When it occurs, what is a way that you can remind yourself that you are safe and this doesn't need to impact you? Consider a mantra such as "their judgment is about them, it's not about me". The more calm and chill you can bring to the situation, the more that will positively impact your children's behavior. 

This doesn't mean that challenging behaviors will go away entirely. It is completely age appropriate for children to engage in challenging behavior whether it be meltdowns or boundary pushing. These behaviors tend to heighten in situations that are more unpredictable or more "stressful". While traveling to visit family may be a lot of fun, it also comes with a whole host of dynamics for children to navigate. Children can't communicate things like "I miss my routine at home", "we've done a lot of new things", "you seem stressed", "I feel anxious because I can't touch anything here", etc. Instead they respond by engaging in challenging behaviors. The more we can put ourselves in their shoes and see what their behavior is actually communicating, the better we can support them.

Here are a few things you can mindful of during the trip to support your children:

• Notice when your child's "stress cup" is getting full. This will be unique to every child. Once you notice it's starting to fill up, encourage a "dumping out" activity such as big body movements or cuddles with you 

• Limit stress where possible. Are there things you can let go of, such as forcing them to wear an outfit that's super cute but also uncomfortable? Gauge what's important to you and what you can let go of 

• Acknowledge their feelings and their perspective as much as possible and narrate for them what is going on. Model and narrate coping strategies 

• Look up sensory regulation strategies that you can proactively implement. I love getting ideas from Courtney English, an OT on Instagram. Work these activities in throughout the day as much as possible

• Provide control where possible, such as letting them choose what to wear or making a schedule for the day together

• Provide familiarity where possible. This may look like keeping parts of their routine consistent if possible, bringing favorite toys or books, or ensuring access to preferred foods 

• Say yes when possible and save the "no"s for when needed. While traveling and while staying with others, kids tend to hear a lot of "nos" or feel micromanaged. Make sure they have some "yes spaces" where they can be free, even if that means scheduling time to go to a grassy area for them to run around freely

Again, none of this will eliminate challenging behavior, but it may help a bit. 
 

FAMILY JUDGMENT: 
90% of the questions sent in had a similar theme of family judgement. Let's chat about a few strategies to deal with this.

Dealing with judgement from others is a HUGE topic and something that I work extensively with clients on during sessions. While this topic is too big to cover well for the purposes of this post, here are a few tips to consider.

1. Understand what is being triggered for you 

• When something gets under your skin, it's an opportunity to identify an area that is unhealed for you

• If possible, do some journaling before your family event to figure out what is being triggered for you. Is there a feeling of approval you've never gotten from your family that you desire? Do you seek external validation?

• If you can figure out what's behind the trigger, then when it comes up you can remind yourself of what it's really about

• Once you know what it's about, you can also do the work of letting it go

2. Stay confident in your choices 

• Remind yourself of why you've chosen your parenting approach and what your values and goals are in parenthood. It may be different than others and as such, their opinion is not relevant

• if you are not confident about your approach, this may be in area to look into improving/healing 

3. Redirect conversations as needed

• If you feel like explaining your parenting choices, go for it, but you don't need to. Redirect the conversation as needed

  • "Thanks for sharing your perspective, what have you been reading lately?"

  • "I appreciate your concern, but we've got this handled"

  • "I'm not worried about it, it's fully age appropriate"

• If it makes you feel more confident to bring in another "authority" go ahead and do so, but take note that feeling like your authority is enough may be an area to work on

  • "Thanks for your concern, their pediatrician recommended we handle it this way"

4. Know that it's not about you

• So often judgements from others actually have nothing to do with you. It could come from their own insecurities, their own unhealed parts, or just plain ignorance

• None of that needs to impact your bubble. Imagine it bouncing right off of you

• It may help to think about the other person's perspective so you can let it go and not take it so personally. For example:

  • An older parent in the family who makes comments about your baby taking contact naps may have guilt about sleep training they participated in or maybe they miss those contact naps so much and are grieving the passage of time

  • A childless relative who makes comments about your child's meltdown may have their own unhealed stuff stemming from lack of support they received as a child or messages they received about emotions not being allowed 

  • Another parent who comments on decisions you've made may feel guilt or insecurity around their own decisions 

5. Take care of yourself

• The more depleted you are/the more full your stress cup is, the harder it is going to be to deal with these dynamics. When we are stressed, our triggers tend to be the most reactive

• Build time into each day to take care of you. Maybe that's going for a quick walk or just taking a shower alone an doing a few minutes of meditation

• You may want to book a session with a therapist or coach to support you during this time. If my calendar doesn't show any availability, send me an email. I'll fit you in

6. Focus on the bigger picture 

• Keep your eye on the big picture and don't let these dynamics take over your time

• What do you want to get out of this time? Joy and memories with your kids? Fostering connections between your extended family and your kids? 

• Whatever your intention for this time is, focus your energy and attention there 

THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS:
"I love celebrating holidays and the seasons with my children, however I've noticed that Thanksgiving tends to be an afterthought for us. We go big for Halloween and Christmas, but Thanksgiving tends to get skipped over as we are already into the swing of Christmas festivities. What are some ideas to make Thanksgiving feel special?"

I can really relate to this question. I tend to be a maximalist and want to do ALL THE THINGS with my kids. This can be so beautiful and joyful, and also, if it is not serving us, we might need to take a closer look at it.

Consider how your current style of celebrating is making you feel. Does it align with how you want to feel? If not, and from your question it sounds like you have some hesitations, it may be worth taking a closer look at. What is underneath "going big"? Is it a way to avoid an uncomfortable feeling or is it a coping mechanism that isn't serving you? These self inquires can be so useful.

Consider taking November as an invitation to slow down and savor the last bits of fall, before winter and winter festivities ramp up. What types of savoring and slowness will serve your family well? Or maybe it does serve your family well to jump into Christmas celebrating early so that December feels less hectic. Only you and your family can decide what's working well for you and what could use adjustment.

Our favorite Thanksgiving traditions in our family are:

• Going for a long walk and jumping in crunchy leaves

• Baking a pumpkin pie together

• Reading Thanksgiving books, especially ones that honor indigenous voices 

Throughout November, we enjoy:

• Lots of long walks to soak up the fall weather and soak in the colors of fall

• Finish up "Halloween"/pumpkin activities we never got around to

  • Just this week we carved our jack o lanterns and ran train tracks through it. Kids don't care about timelines and it spreads out the fun

• Lots of cooking

• Slowing down our routine as we adjust to the shorter days and bring in some cozy & connective rituals into our routine (candles with dinner, dance parties before bed)

Have more questions? Leave a comment with your question and I'll address it in a future blog post. Want more personalized support? Let's chat. Book a free discovery call now.

With gratitude for you, 

- Lena