Do You Really Need a New Strategy?

I see this all the time during coaching calls. We start the call talking about strategies for parents to use to handle "issues" that are coming up with their kids. We troubleshoot and workshop a perfect strategy and then inevitably it's not a strategy that's needed at all. It's a mindset shift!

Whether it's learning how to handle your own triggers, uncovering the reason for your trigger, or looking deeper into what's coming up for YOU... sometimes that can be so much more powerful than any strategy. 

Don't get me wrong, I love effective strategies. We need tools and strategies to pull from. But without addressing our mindset, even the best of strategies aren't super effective OR you can't even get yourself to use them. 

I fell into this trap myself recently. 

I've been dealing with some sibling conflict and I found myself spending endless hours researching, strategizing, trouble shooting, and trying to come up with what we should do.

I have a few strategies that work best for us, but they often didn't seem to be "working" and I kept obsessing over what we needed to do differently.

Finally I realized we don't need to do anything differently. If you're parenting from a conscious and responsive perspective, even best of strategies don't work immediately. It's a process.

What helped the strategies work better was some work on my partner and I's mindset.

1. REACTING instead of RESPONDING

This distinction is important. Reacting occurs with emotion. It's the gut instinct of how we think we want to respond in that moment, but it's not actually aligned with our values and goals. Responding is what we do when we can come from a place of calm and connectedness. 

I love using sportscasting instead of refereeing when dealing with siblings. Yet my initial reaction is usually to go into referee mode.

So how do I get myself into sportscaster mode?

2. Recognize there's a trigger at play

There's a reason why I get so worked up seeing my toddler take a toy from the baby. And it has nothing to do with my toddler. It's something that's coming up for ME. Possibly even past little me.

Understanding this is a HUGE game changer. Sometimes it can take time to uncover why exactly this is so triggering to us, but let's be real, time is something we are short on in parenthood.

Until you can discover the root cause of the trigger, sometimes it's enough just knowing this is NOT about my kid, it's about something in me that needs to be addressed. 

Once you know it's a trigger, you can put in practices to help you deal with that. Those ideas are a whole newsletter of their own, but think things like deep breathes, grounding yourself, etc.

(PS. while it is possible to handle a trigger without knowing the root cause, this is often a bandaid fix. Helpful for the moment when you don't have the time to deal with it, but for true healing, understanding the WHY is crucial)

3. What's the story I'm telling myself?

We are all constantly telling ourselves stories. It's how we make sense of the world around us. The problem is some of those stories aren't serving us. 

So what story are you telling yourself regarding the problem you're trying to solve?

I know I'm not alone in telling myself all kinds of stories regarding sibling interactions. This comes up ALL THE TIME in my practice. Here are some of the stories I was telling myself:

• My poor baby, she can never have a toy to play with (putting others into a role)

  • Not helpful and I don't want to pigeon hole her into a role. This may impact the way I interact with her or how I teach her to interact with the world

• My toddler is never going to learn how to share or interact with others (catastrophizing)

  • Never mind this isn't even true and he plays well with others often but the point is, these stories are not usually logical or accurate

Once you know the story, ask yourself if it's true. Ask yourself if it's objective. Determine if this story serves you and your family. Challenge yourself to rewrite the story. 

4. What's the fear lurking beneath here?

Being a parent is a huge role and responsibility. The biggest ever. This is why so much fear often seeps into our parenting, without us even realizing it.

So ask yourself, what am I scared of here? Why am I worried about this thing, what am I scared of?

You might find just speaking it and identifying it helps you to release it. 

I found once I released fear I was unknowingly holding on to, the strategies I was using actually worked better.

Here's the thing. Kids pick up on EVERYTHING. They are so highly attuned to us and can pick up on the most subtle vibes from us. My kids were sensing my discomfort about the situation and it made it so my strategies weren't having the desired effect. Once I was able to come from a place of true calm and confidence, everyone was able to relax and settle into my leadership.

5. Understanding what is developmentally appropriate

So often as parents, especially as first time parents, we are trying to fix things that can really only be fixed with time. So much of a child's growth is really just natural development. We could do absolutely nothing and the situation would get better on its own just because the child is now developmentally ready.

This is not to say that we shouldn't teach and model, only to recognize there's a limit to how much we can teach is the skill is not age appropriate. Learning what is age appropriate is a game changer in identifying if a mindset shift is needed rather than a new strategy.

Need some help determining if you need a new strategy or a mindset shift? Could you use support learning how to handle your triggers or discover the "why" underneath them? Let's chat.Book a free discovery call or a coaching session now.

Have you ever realized you need a mindset shift rather than a new strategy? Would love to hear from you!

- Lena