How to Handle Sibling Conflict With This Powerful Technique

Can you relate to this scenario?

My two kids (baby and toddler) are playing next to each other. The toddler is building with magnetic tiles and the baby goes to explore some magnetic tile shapes that are not in use and the toddler rarely ever uses. He immediately launches over to grab it out of her hands. My reaction? I run over and get it away from him back to the baby, being all logical about why he doesn't need them and wasn't planning on using them. Now the toddler is crying and I can feel my agitation rising. Can you relate to this scenario?

Here's what we know about sibling interactions. The more the parent can be in the role of coach (narrating the situation and helping the siblings to come to their own resolution) vs the role of referee (making calls on who is right), the better sibling relationships will be and the more conflict resolution skills kids will learn. 

Logically I know none of these sibling squabble situations are an emergency and YET they often feel like an emergency in my body, especially if I'm worried the baby is going to get hurt. So I'm a little too reactive, running over with a little too much frantic energy, which overall just makes the situation worse. 

This type of scenario comes up a lot in coaching sessions and there's usually something deeper to dive into about what's coming up around sibling dynamics. Being aware of what makes our triggers extra hot and spicy is key to working through them for the long term. And sometimes we just need a quick strategy to support us to respond differently while we are doing the deeper work.

I needed a way to pause and get us working together as a team

Coming in hot and bringing urgency to the situation was just making everyone more reactive. I knew I needed a way to get myself to pause before responding. So I came up with a cue to help me out. This cue then turned into a whole strategy and it's been helping all of us a ton. Here's how it goes: 

*keep in mind, all of this is done with playful and curious energy*

Step 1: 
I call out to everyone: FREEZE and we all dramatically freeze

• This gives all of us a chance to pause and diffuses the situation

• It's the cue I need to take me out of reactivity and give myself the chance to remember the ways in which I want to show up as a parent. If I don't need this full strategy for the situation, I just say freeze in my head and give myself a few seconds to respond from a better place 

Step 2:
I say "let's put on our thinking hats!" We all pretend to put on a hat

• This adds a little bit of play and fun to the situation. Play is so effective with kids! 

• Helps us all take on a different role where we can see things from a removed perspective 

Step 3:
I summarize the needs of each child and ask them if that was correct. If not, I ask them to elaborate 

• This gets everyone feeling seen, heard and understood

• This also helps ME put myself in the shoes of the toddler so that I can see his perspective with more empathy instead of being dismissive of it

Step 4:
We work together to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Often this needs to be heavily guided by me but I've been surprised by the creative ideas my toddler comes up with. The more we do this, the better he gets at it! If everyone does not agree with the idea, we keep thinking

• This gets us all thinking outside the box and with more creativity 

• Gets us working together as a team, with a common goal

• Helps everyone's needs get met and makes everyone feel important

• Teaches conflict resolution skills

Step 5:
Once we come up with a solution we do a silly little dance and sing "teamwork makes the dream work!"

• More fun and play! Everyone loves this part!

• Reinforces the idea of our family (and the siblings!) are a team and everything can work when we work together

Here's an example:

Scenario:
Toddler is blowing bubbles, baby wants to pop the bubbles. Toddler is upset because he does not want the baby to pop the bubbles.

My initial (unhelpful, ungenerous) reaction that plays in my head:
Ugh, why does he need to be so difficult. He can't stand to see her have fun. Why does he even care if she pops them?

Narration:
"Z wants to blow bubbles and he doesn't want them to be popped because he likes looking at them. A wants to pop the bubbles because she gets excited when she catches one. Hm what can we do?"

Resolution:
One turn is for "decoration" (my toddler's words) and we all look at the bubbles. The next turn is a popping turn and we all pop. We'll call out "decoration" or "popping" before Z blows so we are all on the same page about what turn it is.

The activity was saved, the siblings had a ton of fun together, and everyone got their needs met. 

It's not always that easy, but I've been surprised by just how often this works wonders.

Is this something you think might work in your home? I'd love to hear how it goes if you try it.