Handling Resentment in Parenthood

I've been thinking about resentment...

It's a topic that has come up several times when I'm chatting with parent friends, especially with other moms. The fear of future resentment and taking steps to prevent it. 

It seems this fear most commonly stems from two sources. 1. societal messages cautioning mothers not to lose themselves within the role and 2. a reflection of their own mothers' sentiments after their children grew up, tinged with resentment over sacrifices made or unmet expectations.

And so the mothers I speak to worry about doing too much. Of losing themselves. Of one day regretting being too all in.

As a mom of two young children, I am in an all in season of life. There are particular things that are important to me and so I often hear "you're doing too much". And it has made me contemplate the idea of resentment.

To be very frank with you, there are times when I feel more content and times when I feel the twinges of resentment. When the "poor me" or other martyr narratives creep in. During those times, it's easy to jump to conclusions that something needs to change. Perhaps there's a need to pull back, adjust parenting styles, or prioritize self-care. And while yes something does need to change, I wonder if it's something deeper than we realize.

What I'm doing isn't usually different during times of more contentment vs. resentfulness. So I wonder, if maybe resentment doesn't breed from having done too much but from overall mindset, supports, and deeper analysis of what's going on.

Here's what I've noticed.

1. Where is it coming from?

Before deciding something needs to shift, I believe we need to understand where the feelings are coming from. It may not just be because we're up all night or can't remember the last time we went to the bathroom solo. Sure those things are exhausting and may be a tipping point, but it's unlikely they are THE point of it all.

What lies beneath the surface? Is it a sense of unacknowledgment? Grief, perhaps? It could even be the mourning of lost aspects of oneself, unfulfilled expectations, or dissatisfaction. It could be feeling like everyone else's needs matter except for ours, like we don't matter. It could be that we aren't feeling seen or heard. 

This is all sooo much deeper than exertion and yet I find they are often the deeper reason behind burn out or resentment. 

In my case, I've noticed a few common themes for when feelings of "resentment" are popping up. One of them is grief. My mother passed away several years ago and I miss her deeply. Feelings of resentment are often a mask for all the ways in which I grieve how differently life would be if she was part of my parenthood experience and for all the sadness of what could not be. While I worked through a lot of these feelings after the birth of my first child, I've uncovered a new layer of grief after the birth of my second child and I'm still working through processing and acceptance. 

2. Address what it's really about

Some of the things we are hiding under resentment are deep and hard to feel. I'd argue resentment is almost easier and a coping mechanism. It places the "blame" elsewhere and we don't have to feel as deeply. There's a quick fix when the answer is resentment. There's not usually an easy fix to the deeper stuff.

That's why sometimes I wonder if telling mothers not to do too much is yet another way that a capitalist society structure has failed us. It's easier to say "don't lose yourself" than it is to address and support the underlying reasons why parenthood is leading to burnout.

Once you know what it's really about, process those emotions. Let yourself feel them. Let yourself accept them. Then decide what needs to shifted, changed, or added to address that. 

What would make you feel cared for? What would make you feel satisfied? Do your expectations need to shift? There are no easy answers here, but just more digging to be done.

3. Are your actions in alignment with your values?

If there are specific actions you are engaging in that are causing you to feel resentful, it may be worth examining them against your values before deciding to make a change. 

Standard narratives out there tell us to take the path of least resistance. Find something too hard or too tiring? Just don't do it.

I'd argue what's actually tiring is doing things that are not in alignment with your values OR doing things that are in alignment with your values and not recognizing that they are.

When we act from a place of our values and can recognize it, it leads to greater satisfaction. Sometimes that satisfaction is all we need to feel less tired and less resentful.

So take a look at the thing causing you feelings of "poor me" and ask yourself, does this serve my parenting values?

For example, I'm in a season of broken sleep with a young baby. Standard narratives out there would be simple, sleep train and feel less tired. Yet, responsiveness day and night, honoring the mother/baby dyad, and approaching sleep from a sense of biological norms is deeply important to me. It fits my parenting goals and values strongly. If I were to sleep train, I would actually feel MORE resentment because it goes against my instincts, core beliefs, and values. What would exhaust me in this situation is not embracing radical acceptance and understanding how it serves my greater purpose. 

Which leads to the next point.

4. Know your why

Why are you doing this thing? If you don't know the answer or it's not in alignment with what's actually deeply important to you, let it go.

There are a million things we are supposed to do as "perfect" parents. Yet we are not "perfect" we are human. We will each do things in our own unique way and what's important is we do them the way we believe in. Not the ways someone else told us was important.

If a parenting decision or behavior is in alignment with what's important to you, then radically accept it. It's just a season and it will pass. Keep in mind the big picture of what you're working towards. If it's important to you, then you are less likely to regret putting in the effort.

If it's not important to you, then resentment is very likely. Figure out a way to let go of this thing or revise it so it is in better alignment for you.

5. Look at it as an investment

Knowing your values and your why can help you reframe sacrifice to investment.

I'm willing to bet there are many things you've done in your life that were hard but felt worth it. Achieving my advanced degrees and education was HARD work and while I may have sacrificed a lot (sleep, social engagements, money, etc) I didn't look at those sacrifices through a martyr lens. I looked at them through a lens of investment. At the end, I felt proud of myself for what I had accomplished. I did not feel resentment for what it cost me. 

I've always wondered why society doesn't look at parenthood in the same way?

Instead of focusing on feeling sorry for yourself, you can focus on what you are doing and why you are doing it. Sometimes this is all it takes for us to see we are in the drivers seat and doing this on purpose, it is not being done to us.

Next time you catch yourself going into martyr stories, shift it to thinking about what you are accomplishing/why you are doing it. Take back control. Remember this is on your own terms and it fulfills your values and the things that are important to you.

An important note here, I believe it's important not to make the reframe contingent on expectations. We are parents, not chefs. It's not as simple as follow this recipe and this will be the end result. I find resentment often creeps in when we have certain expectations of what the outcome should be. Doing something expecting anything from our children is likely to lead to resentment when it doesn't play out the way we expected it to. Do it for yourself and because it feels good and right to you, regardless of if your child will one day be "grateful" or have a particular outcome. 

6. Determine if a boundary is being crossed

I've noticed feelings of resentment are often a clue that a boundary is being crossed. This is similar to the points I've made in point one "where is it coming from", yet I believe it deserves further exploration.

When we are giving from a place of love and open heartedness, it feels fulfilling. When we are giving from a place where our boundaries have been crossed, it feels like being taken advantage of. This then leads to resentment.

For some of us, we've spent so much of our lives people pleasing that we don't even know what our boundaries are. While we may have been able to operate this way for so long, parenthood has a way of triggering everything and forcing us to either suffer or heal what doesn't serve us.

Start here. For you to feel whole, to feel like you're thriving, what do you need? There will be basics in here: food, water, etc and there will be things that are unique to you. Answer this question without limitations in mind. Without thinking of what is not possible right now. Just explore what you need to thrive. This is an important step in understanding yourself and taking steps to support yourself.

7. Put in supports

Just because something aligns with your values and is important to you doesn't mean you need to suffer. Once you know where your boundaries have been crossed, figure out what supports or changes need to be put in place so you can still do what's important to you AND not burn yourself out.

I often think the reason why parents are sold prescriptions of oh just do more self care or oh just don't do XYZ is because it's easier. It's so much easier to tell a parent to do less or place the blame on them (you're just not doing enough self care) or place the blame on their child (they need you too much), then to actually support them.

This is yet another way in which our lack of village has failed us and the capitalist structures we live in need us to not disrupt the status quo.

I know for many of us adding in support seems unattainable. Some creativity and outside the box thinking may be needed here. 

Think: what would need to happen for me to feel supported? Then brainstorm all possibilities, no matter how silly. It's often small things that create big impact.

Communicate your needs and boundaries explicitly and clearly. Oh boy, this topic could be several posts on its own. I find often resentment tends to seep in when we feel like others don't honor our needs and boundaries, yet, we aren't treating them as non negotiable ourselves and being super explicit about them. 

What do you think?